To all the Men I Loved Before

I was 18 when I had the first taste of love. Pure, unadulterated, and selfless. How I knew it was love, not mere infatuation? Because I knew that even if I was willing to be with this person for the rest of my life, I was able to let him go. He was never my boyfriend, but we both share the same love and intense feeling towards each other. Because we were young and he was destined to serve humanity and I was in a middle of crossroads, unsure of which road to take. He respected me, showed me that though we had love for each other, there are many kinds of love. Romantic love is just one of them; a greater love for service is also a form of love. Not everyone is meant for marriage, some people are destined to serve and to be of a higher calling. It was hard but I accepted it because if you truly love someone, his happiness will be your happiness too. That was my first definition of love.

He was popular, a heart-throb, all the girls I knew adored him. My heart would skip a beat every time he would gaze and throw me a smile while he was performing on stage. I was the typical girl who would have a crush to the guy next door. And he was the guy next door. Who would not fall in love head over heels when even after he was literally swarmed with women desperately seeking his attention – he would find his way through the crowd to approach me? ME?! He made me feel I was the most beautiful woman on earth. Crazy, nerve-wrecking, out-of-this-world, mind-blowing and heart pounding. How I knew this was love? After sometime when all these intense feelings have subsided, you get to love the person not only on stage but who he is off stage. On stage he was perfect, off stage; he was just like you and me, imperfect in many ways. We adored each other’s imperfections bcause it made us feel human. We had so many adventures. Young love can be wild, irresponsible and erotic. He totally drove me to my limits and turned my world-upside-down. This is love, truly unpredictable.

Respect, stability, care, attention and affection. Any woman would love a man who would offer her these on a silver platter. He was my knight in shining armor when I was a damsel in distress. When I was lonely, he cheered me up. When I almost lost my sanity, he made me realize that life is full of hope. When my temper was at its ugliest, he told me that I was the most gentle and loving person he has ever met. When all my jeans wouldn’t fit me because I was literally obese, he would look at me in the same way as when my curves were in the right places. When money was scarce because of family tragedy, he was there to provide for me. He loved me even if he knew that we could have a happy ending. Some people do come in your life because they are sent by God as your angel. Love is your knight in shining armor.

First meeting was intense. Second, third and countless meetings – we couldn’t get enough of each other. We were so attracted to each other that we couldn’t keep ourselves off each other. The relationship took off and rocketed like a spaceship! We were a couple to the eyes of many. Friends had high hopes this man will be the man on the other end waiting for me as I make that little trek to the aisle. I loved him, he loved me. We laughed, travelled, cried, fought, partied and dreamt together. Sounds mushy but we actually had a song. Some of the nights when we didn’t want to spend money, we would go by the beach to sit and cuddle with our hearts full of love and affection. He was proud of my achievements; I adored his manly and strong opinions. At times he would make me smile, at times mad. At times he would be there endlessly at my side, at times not. Your partner can be imperfect but you just love him anyway – sometimes you just don’t know why. I think this is Love, unexplainable.

There were men in between but it was only these men described above who made me feel, realize and appreciate Love. I am neither with any of them at the moment but I’m glad I did. And if I would be given the chance to change things in my past – I wouldn’t. I would go through the same hurt, shame, disappointment and painful agony because I knew how it is to love and be loved. If I sum it all up – I was happy and fulfilled. All of them formed an integral part of who I am at the moment.

To all these men whom I have loved before, Thank You. Thank you for loving me and showing me the many facets of love. You have all loved me differently and beautifully. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

On this month of love, I am writing this to all men and women alike. What is life without love? How can you call it a life well lived when you didn’t give your heart a chance to bleed and be healed? Love is never loved until you have experienced it. Live life by loving passionately, endlessly and faithfully.

I am just dying with excitement to meet the man whom I will love perfectly with my imperfections. Do I make sense? Who cares… I’m in love with LOVE!

Valentine for Expats

While there have been inconclusive and some conflicting  accounts relevant to the genesis of  Valentine’s Day,  this has never deterred people from across the globe to celebrate it every  February 14.  The most commonly-held rationale for its  observance is  historical-religious in nature   as it falls  on the same day as the Feast Day of St. Valentine,  who was a holy priest in Rome and martyrd for his Christian faith during the reign of Cladius II (268-270 AD).  One legend says, while awaiting his execution, Valentinus or Fr. Valentine  restored the sight of his jailer's blind daughter. Another legend says, on the eve of his death, he penned a farewell note to the jailer's daughter, signing it, "From your Valentine." The  site www.catholic.org  cites that St. Valentine was beheaded on February 14, about the year 270. He is the Patron Saint of affianced couples, bee keepers, engaged couples, epilepsy, fainting, greetings, happy marriages, love, lovers, plague, travelers, young people. He is represented in pictures with birds and roses. However, there are two other Christian saints named Valentine whose feast day falls on Feb 14.  In  1969, Pope Paul VI dropped the feast day from the Roman Catholic calendar, although its religious observance is still permitted.

Its romantic elements began to take shape much later and only in the  14^th century and since then,  Valentine is an occasion that is  more construed in a romantic than religious or spiritual  sense. 

Since I became an expat 7 years ago, there is this curiosity that has been resonating at the back of my mind about the meaning of Valentine to expats and how they celebrate it.  As would be expected,  gauging from the responses I gathered from the majority of expats I asked, their most immediate  attribution to the occasion is romantic in nature.

Here are some notable responses I got from them:

·         From a long lost friend that I found… just a call overseas

·         If you have LOVE, you don’t need to have anything else. If you don’t have LOVE, it does not matter much what else you have.

One person I asked (a friend)  said he will celebrate it exclusively with his wife and  most likely via a night out. When I asked him why his son would be  excluded from the celebration, he said that he wanted the special and very rare moment to be exclusively for him and his wife so as not to dilute  its romantic sense.

Another person (a lady friend) who is momentarily single  said that she would spend it at home chatting with her family, hoping that they would still be awake on the night of Valentine’s Day.  She added that even when she still had a boyfriend, there was no special celebration during Valentine’s Day as every day, they would watch movies, eat either before or after the movie, so there was nothing more special to do on other occasions. It was close to saying that to her, every day can be a special hearts’ day if we want to. 

One lady acquaintance I know  who is single intends to invite her other lady single friends for a fabulous dine out on Valentine’s night.

A married male expat whose wife and family are in the Philippines said that he will spend it along with his male flatmates eating, drinking, and singing videoke in their flat and calling his loved ones back home during the day itself.

I heard someone jokingly saying that he would find another expat (a female expat) who may be as lonely as he would be on Valentine’s day to date out.  It was intended as a joke but I also know that some would really do this.  This seemingly is one of the ramifications of the romantic associations that have been attached to what used to be a purely religious observance.

Of the many responses I got, I would like to highlight this one owing to its quite seemingly different perspective. It is like a breath of cold fresh air during  the intense heat of summer.

Valentine for me denotes Love. A love for one-self or self-love. What could be more meaningful for all God’s creation than to realize that they are beings of love. Who else can love you unconditionally than you? Once you understand that you are a being of Love and able to understand and experience the unconditional love from within, that is the time when you can share that same feeling with other beings around you, your community, your family, your spouse or partner.  So how do I celebrate it? I celebrate it everyday by looking at the mirror and telling myself ‘I love you’. I celebrate it by expressing that inner love towards others. One thing is for certain, I don’t strive to look for  love from others because for me, that is looking for love in all the wrong places. I look for Love from within, from my inner god and from that perspective,  I express that love toward others.

My earliest recollection of the inculcation of this celebration to my consciousness was in Grade 1 at age 5.  We were asked to make Valentine cards for our parents, siblings, teachers, and friends in school, the very people we love and care for as children. I also remember our class being taught this song:

Dearest child believe me you are truly my friend

So today with gladness to you will I send

Just a sign of friendship from this heart of mine

That will tell you in words ‘You are my Valentine’.

This will it say

Mother’s heart is true

And never will change

The love she gives you.

This song imprinted in me an indelible essence of Valentine  that still holds true today. As an expat physically away from my family, I feel quite sad, yet I suppose that nothing would dissuade me from expressing my love, affection, and gratitude to my Mother and my family through the varied means available to us right now, not just on Valentine’s Day but every day.

A Case of Unrequited Love

A few days ago, I got a call from a friend of mine, a damsel-in-distress, who may be because of her young age, got so shaken by an unrequited affection.    She fell in love and I suppose she still is, with a male officemate who is of the same nationality as she is.  While the guy may not be clueless as to what she feels toward him for she would try to manifest it in her actions in discreet  ways,  he seems to be ignoring it.  This guy is in his late 20’s and this damsel is barely 23.  So is there a problem? Age gap is not the problem or the issue. The crux of the matter is that the guy is into a happy relationship and is contemplating at the moment to propose an engagement with his girlfriend. In other words the guy is happily in love with somebody else.  This left my friend devastated and hopeless.  She called me on the phone and sensing that all that she needed at that time was to pour herself out, I simply had to lend her my ears, listen intently, and accord her acceptance, understanding, and unconditional positive regard. But after pouring herself out, she sought counsel from me. Was I supposed to know the answer? Of course not, but she was expecting me to give her an advice which I, as a Psychologist, am not suppose to do and do not do. However, sensing her desperation for enlightenment or may be an affirmation for what she was thinking and intending to do,  I had to cease being Rogerian and employ a directive approach through Reality Therapy.  

Hoping that she is a grounded person (Well, I suppose I know her that way.), I presumed Reality Therapy would work. So I told her that in a relationship,  ‘it takes two to tango’. Very cliché, right, but it cannot be more true.  I told her she cannot dance the ballroom alone unless she is doing a single ballet performance.  Without a partner who is willing to do his part, there is no ballroom performance.  I made her realize that feeling in love or perhaps falling in love is part of our normal functioning as normal people and that having such a precious affection unreciprocated can be very hurting. But then again, I also impressed upon her that she cannot make the other person feel the same way she does toward him.  I told her to accept the reality that she fell in love with the guy but sadly, the feeling is not mutual.  I made her realize that after all, in an idealistic sense, love is supposed to be unselfish. It is something that you give freely without expecting that it will be given back to you. Another cliché.  Further, I cited another cliché, “If you love the person, set him free. If he comes back to you, then it was meant to be.”  Haay, love brings a lot of clichés out of the closest.  

I was tempted to tell her to be persistent in pursuing the object of her affection but I just realized that it would not be apt. Were she a man, I would have told her that “Relentless wooing may
gain favorable nod even from women with resolute will.”   Unfortunately, girls would just have to wait to be pursued by men no matter how intent their affection may be toward them.

What do you guys say? What do the gals have to say?

Love and Other Drugs, NOT

Just saw the movie Love and Other Drugs the other day with a single female cousin. Anne Hathaway is beautiful, fabulous and gorgeous. Jake Gyllenhaal oozes charm and hunkiness hot enough to melt the polar ice caps without the aid of global warming. Together, their chemistry was unbeatable. Of course, that is nothing new to fans who adored the loveteam in the award winning movie Brokeback Mountain by Ang Lee.

Love and other drugs is about a brilliant but happy go lucky guy who has been afraid of commitment all his life. A medical representative for a pharmaceutical company, he can charm the pants off of anyone regardless of gender but runs away at the first signs of a growing relationship.

Then he meets a girl just like him. Girl just wants a roll in the hay and wham, bam, thank you mam. No commitments, no meeting with parents and friends. Boy is intrigued by this female version of him. He falls in love. She falls in love.

Then fate throws a curve. Turns out our heroine has Parkinson’s disease. Boy can’t deal with. Girl goes all self sacrificing and throws him out because “I can’t hold you back in your career” and all that crap. They part ways. End of story. Nah! This is the movies after all. Of course they get back together and live, although maybe not so happily, ever after.

But I digress. My cousin and I are single and we are approaching that certain age in Philippine culture when the last trip in the nuptial train is about to leave us behind. I asked her. “Would you rather have someone to love and take care of in sickness and all the sacrifices it entails than not have anyone at all as you grow old?” Her answer? Nah!!!! Who me? Yup! She wouldn’t. And, if someone were to ask me the same question, my answer would be exactly the same. Maybe that’s why we’re still both single.

Then again, who’s to say what we will do if we meet a Jake in real life who’s willing to stand by us in the face of a long incurable ailment? Forget the incurable disease. Where do we find somebody who will be patient enough to understand and put up with our idiosyncrasies, selfishness, raging hormones and the challenges of your regular, everyday life in this crazy world? Hopefully, a someone we can love deep enough in return, no matter the imperfections?

Well, I’m not holding my breath. This is not about building that ballpark that Kevin Costner built as in “If you build it, they will come” sort of thing. Love exists in our life whether we are single or not. If it comes, then great! Grab it and never let it go. If it doesn’t, so what? I’d rather be alone but happy and at peace with the world and myself than be miserable with someone who doesn’t love me the way God really loves me.

PEACE!

Happy Valentine everyone!

Guys, give us a closer look.

A man once told me that one of the deciding factors whether he would continue to pursue a woman to be his life partner is how she behaves during the time of courtship or dating. He added that the way she behaves or responds to him could be the same way she has been responding to her previous encounters of the opposite sex.

WOW! I was absolutely blown off by hurricane Katrina! Do men really judge us this way as a person during the early stage of 'getting-to-know-you'?

Before I continue, I must caution you that my views do not represent any group of females' point of view but  is my sole opinion on the matter.

He has a point. I myself follow a certain type of pattern on how I respond to men while dating although my response would vary depending on my degree of “liking” the guy. Do I see him as a potential friend, boyfriend, partner, or just any other guy to go out for a movie?

The woman in me rebelled at this notion! What if the right man would come into my life at the wrong time? Gals, would you agree with me that women can be quite emotional and dramatic at how we respond to stress, change, and relationships? Am I expected to be at my best all the time?

To the same guy, I would react differently as to how I am from within. Just in case, just-in-case, Mr. Right comes into my life at the time when I am most vulnerable- when I am at my lowest point, when I just lost a family member, broke off with a boyfriend, or put on 10kgs more for some random reasons. In the same way, Mr. Wrong would come into my life when I am at the peak of my career, when I have won Ms. Universe or just had a life-changing-180-degree- turn of positivity. Am I to be judged and say boohoo! Tough luck! Right-love-at-the-wrong-time?

When I am at the lowest point then I would be the most vulnerable person on earth. The slightest sign of attention and care can be in my eyes expression of unconditional love. Therefore I would be a gullible lass and can be a victim of men’s’ innuendoes. Then he will judge me - EASY. In the other way, if I would be in seventh-heaven then a man’s imperfections will be the least of my worries because for me, everything in my sight is bright and happy.

Does this sound familiar? Guy meets girl, guy was perfect, and girl was (at the moment) a disaster. Guy shows attention and care and Girl opens up her life and feelings. Guy thinks she’s easy. Girl was disappointed.

I don’t know. I must admit it is much easier for me to decipher a woman, obviously because we speak the same language. I can easily tell if she is at her best or not. Are men capable of seeing this? How many men out there would actually take a closer look at who we really are as a person and not only on how we respond to dating?

Who says only women are complicated? Who says only women misjudge men? Who says women play with men’s feelings, make them pursue to have the pleasure of turning them down?

Well, who has the answers? I don’t. Though I just shrug my shoulders because I know the best is yet to come!

What was the worst thing you’ve said on a Date?

What was the worst thing that you have said when you were out on a date?

Dating is a whole lot of ball game, they say. Why balls? Are women supposed to juggle them? Ask the guys.

Anyway, I remember at one time – I was asked out by a guy. Very randomly I said yes knowing that the first date was dancing-with-a-lot-of-flirting. It was so much fun!

During the course of the night while we were out standing in the bar, flirting, sipping my rose’ I said to myself, hmmm very boyfriend material. Why? He is cute, has a decent job, tall, and extremely funny. Funny, meaning his jokes actually make sense.

I know most women’s brain activity including myself would be during a date. 2% would just be automated response like “seriously?”, “really?”, “oh, seriously?”, “oh, really?”. We are not dumb beings but these again are automated responses like a recording because the other 98% of our brain is actually fantasizing how it would be like to spend the weekend with him. What will I wear when he will introduce me to his parents? How beautiful would I look on that huge white wedding dress? How many kids are we going to have? And so on… that is if you like the guy.

Many times it has happened to me that I would be a victim of myself thinking out loud. Through the course of our intimate conversations where I am supposed to be the mysterious chased damsel, I blurted out these words, “Would you like to be my boyfriend?” The politeness in him laughed and thought that I was joking. And the idiot in me even made things worse and added, “Seriously, I think you would be the excellent boyfriend material.”

The night went on with our usual flirtations and sexy dancing but obviously we never went out after that. I realized that 5 minutes after I said those words or things of pure stupidity. Blame it on the rose’.

Days passed and I could just not believe why I said that? Though it pays to speak your mind but believe me, NOT ALL THE TIME!

Whoever told you that, we should be ourselves and speak our mind? These are people who have been hurt so many times but not hurt enough to be out there and make the same mistakes again. Or I could be wrong. But of course it would still depend on certain, super-special, out-of-this-world cases.

Dating is a whole lot of ball game, they say. Why balls? Are we supposed to juggle them? Dating is a whole lot of ball game because in games, we need to work on our strategies.

What strategies would that be? I might just as well write them on my next blog. LOLZ

Lies make the world go round.

Lies make the world go round. Lying is NOT BAD! But before you discontinue reading this blog and hit the X button on the top left corner of the screen. Give yourself 2 more minutes and perhaps after that you might just be proud to call yourself a BIG LIAR.

Lies make the world go round and in fact it can be good for you and me! Lie is a type of deception in the form of untruthful statement with the intention to deceive, often with the further intention to maintain a secret or reputation, or to avoid punishment. (Wikipedia)

A lie is a lie is a lie. Right? Yes and No. This passé is not new to you, good lies and bad lies. White lies and Black lies. I will not talk about the lies that hurt and destroy relationships and lives – which we call black lies. But statements which spice up our daily bread and butter called white lies. They spice our lives and make the world go round!

A white lie is not supposed to hurt someone, it is supposed to protect him or her. In even a more personal scale, lying is a way of protecting ourselves. A person who claims that he speaks the truth all the time without fail – is a BIG LIAR! We lie to our boss, our friends, spouses, and children and even to ourselves. And most of the time we are not aware of it! Let me explain and cite examples:

Are any of these statements familiar to you?
• I will call you back. (even if you don’t have the intension of calling)
• I’m really glad to see you. (when you are really not, or it doesn’t matter)
• Which email? Which sms?
• Let’s get together some time. (Another way of saying, Goodbye with style)
• The traffic is extremely terrible today. (when you are late for an appointment)
• I’m great. (but your facial expression Darth Vader)
• How are you today? (even if you really don’t want to know)
• I’m in a meeting right now (when you want to avoid somebody)
• Nothing (when in fact, it is everything!)

Sounds familiar?

These are just words… what makes us untruthful person and separates us from being deceitful are our actions!

I want to be truthful to you in telling you that I AM A LIAR. And more often than not, I use these words everyday, not to hurt people, not to protect others and myself. It makes us feel good when somebody tells us the following (even we know they don’t mean it)

• You are the best in the business
• The food is great
• Your new hairstyle fits you
• You don’t look like your age
• Have you lost weight?
• You are a lucky man / woman
• Your children are really, really smart and cute.


When we hear these little lies, we also lie to ourselves by believing them. We feel nice and if we choose to believe them our spirits are lifted. Though we know that we really haven’t lost weight or our kids are not that smart but we like to listen and believe them. Any harm done? No, in fact it does more good than harm. And in turn, we tend to be nice and say the same little lies to the other person. It keeps marriages and relationships intact.

What if we are not capable of lying?
• When a husband says, I love you even if you are no longer beautiful.
• I think your nose it too big for your face.
• I don’t want to talk to you because I’m busy with something else.
• It’s none of your business (when somebody asks, How are you?)
• I think you gained twice as much since you started going to the gym!

It would destroy relationships, marriages and friendships. And in a much larger scale hurt the society. Imagine if politicians, agencies and governments will bluntly slap the truths in our faces…. It would be a disaster!

These little words, lies, or little chilly spices that we exchange everyday, helps us cope with the challenges and difficulties of everyday life. It wouldn’t be so bad to hear a little bit of lie, would it?

In the morning when I wake up, the very first thing I do is LIE to myself. And what the heck, it does perk me up! I affirm to myself each day that I am beautiful, amazing, happy and successful. And I just go about lying to everyone.

I AM A PROUD LIAR – I help make the world go round.

Are you a Liar?