A few days ago, I got a call from a friend of mine, a damsel-in-distress, who may be because of her young age, got so shaken by an unrequited affection. She fell in love and I suppose she still is, with a male officemate who is of the same nationality as she is. While the guy may not be clueless as to what she feels toward him for she would try to manifest it in her actions in discreet ways, he seems to be ignoring it. This guy is in his late 20’s and this damsel is barely 23. So is there a problem? Age gap is not the problem or the issue. The crux of the matter is that the guy is into a happy relationship and is contemplating at the moment to propose an engagement with his girlfriend. In other words the guy is happily in love with somebody else. This left my friend devastated and hopeless. She called me on the phone and sensing that all that she needed at that time was to pour herself out, I simply had to lend her my ears, listen intently, and accord her acceptance, understanding, and unconditional positive regard. But after pouring herself out, she sought counsel from me. Was I supposed to know the answer? Of course not, but she was expecting me to give her an advice which I, as a Psychologist, am not suppose to do and do not do. However, sensing her desperation for enlightenment or may be an affirmation for what she was thinking and intending to do, I had to cease being Rogerian and employ a directive approach through Reality Therapy.
Hoping that she is a grounded person (Well, I suppose I know her that way.), I presumed Reality Therapy would work. So I told her that in a relationship, ‘it takes two to tango’. Very cliché, right, but it cannot be more true. I told her she cannot dance the ballroom alone unless she is doing a single ballet performance. Without a partner who is willing to do his part, there is no ballroom performance. I made her realize that feeling in love or perhaps falling in love is part of our normal functioning as normal people and that having such a precious affection unreciprocated can be very hurting. But then again, I also impressed upon her that she cannot make the other person feel the same way she does toward him. I told her to accept the reality that she fell in love with the guy but sadly, the feeling is not mutual. I made her realize that after all, in an idealistic sense, love is supposed to be unselfish. It is something that you give freely without expecting that it will be given back to you. Another cliché. Further, I cited another cliché, “If you love the person, set him free. If he comes back to you, then it was meant to be.” Haay, love brings a lot of clichés out of the closest.
I was tempted to tell her to be persistent in pursuing the object of her affection but I just realized that it would not be apt. Were she a man, I would have told her that “Relentless wooing may
gain favorable nod even from women with resolute will.” Unfortunately, girls would just have to wait to be pursued by men no matter how intent their affection may be toward them.
gain favorable nod even from women with resolute will.” Unfortunately, girls would just have to wait to be pursued by men no matter how intent their affection may be toward them.
What do you guys say? What do the gals have to say?
Dear Expat's World,
ReplyDeleteI must say your lady friend is into something which is not new to many gals and even to myself.
Sometimes when we women are faced with this heart-breaking situation when we love someone who does not reciprocate our feelings or much worse have no clue that we have this intese emotion towards them - this is tragedy to most women.
But what the heck, as the good old man says, and note this is also cliche'
*trust in the abundance of the universe
*there are many fish in the sea.
I too as a woman, would not suggest that she openly pursues the man. Men are hunters, they would love to do the HUNTING, not to be HUNTED. Or else they will sense your HAUNTING and they will go away.
And you have also mentioned that this man is already in love with somebody else. That would also be unfair to the other woman if she would some sort of "hi-jack" the man out of the relationship... hmmm, totally uncool.
I just hope that instead of focusing all her energy, feeling and hopes to someone who does not seem to be insterested in her; I suggest that she focuses on herself first. I believe that the first work would be on our self-esteem; no need to be a model but physically presentable and of course, the works...
Oh, just let live and let live. I would say.. if a man does not want me, it's his loss not mine! For we women, we are born BEAUTIFUL CREATURES!
With much love to all women,
Sonya
i fully agree with you sonya. but unfortunately, not all women or perhaps not many women are of the same persona as you are
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