To all the Men I Loved Before

I was 18 when I had the first taste of love. Pure, unadulterated, and selfless. How I knew it was love, not mere infatuation? Because I knew that even if I was willing to be with this person for the rest of my life, I was able to let him go. He was never my boyfriend, but we both share the same love and intense feeling towards each other. Because we were young and he was destined to serve humanity and I was in a middle of crossroads, unsure of which road to take. He respected me, showed me that though we had love for each other, there are many kinds of love. Romantic love is just one of them; a greater love for service is also a form of love. Not everyone is meant for marriage, some people are destined to serve and to be of a higher calling. It was hard but I accepted it because if you truly love someone, his happiness will be your happiness too. That was my first definition of love.

He was popular, a heart-throb, all the girls I knew adored him. My heart would skip a beat every time he would gaze and throw me a smile while he was performing on stage. I was the typical girl who would have a crush to the guy next door. And he was the guy next door. Who would not fall in love head over heels when even after he was literally swarmed with women desperately seeking his attention – he would find his way through the crowd to approach me? ME?! He made me feel I was the most beautiful woman on earth. Crazy, nerve-wrecking, out-of-this-world, mind-blowing and heart pounding. How I knew this was love? After sometime when all these intense feelings have subsided, you get to love the person not only on stage but who he is off stage. On stage he was perfect, off stage; he was just like you and me, imperfect in many ways. We adored each other’s imperfections bcause it made us feel human. We had so many adventures. Young love can be wild, irresponsible and erotic. He totally drove me to my limits and turned my world-upside-down. This is love, truly unpredictable.

Respect, stability, care, attention and affection. Any woman would love a man who would offer her these on a silver platter. He was my knight in shining armor when I was a damsel in distress. When I was lonely, he cheered me up. When I almost lost my sanity, he made me realize that life is full of hope. When my temper was at its ugliest, he told me that I was the most gentle and loving person he has ever met. When all my jeans wouldn’t fit me because I was literally obese, he would look at me in the same way as when my curves were in the right places. When money was scarce because of family tragedy, he was there to provide for me. He loved me even if he knew that we could have a happy ending. Some people do come in your life because they are sent by God as your angel. Love is your knight in shining armor.

First meeting was intense. Second, third and countless meetings – we couldn’t get enough of each other. We were so attracted to each other that we couldn’t keep ourselves off each other. The relationship took off and rocketed like a spaceship! We were a couple to the eyes of many. Friends had high hopes this man will be the man on the other end waiting for me as I make that little trek to the aisle. I loved him, he loved me. We laughed, travelled, cried, fought, partied and dreamt together. Sounds mushy but we actually had a song. Some of the nights when we didn’t want to spend money, we would go by the beach to sit and cuddle with our hearts full of love and affection. He was proud of my achievements; I adored his manly and strong opinions. At times he would make me smile, at times mad. At times he would be there endlessly at my side, at times not. Your partner can be imperfect but you just love him anyway – sometimes you just don’t know why. I think this is Love, unexplainable.

There were men in between but it was only these men described above who made me feel, realize and appreciate Love. I am neither with any of them at the moment but I’m glad I did. And if I would be given the chance to change things in my past – I wouldn’t. I would go through the same hurt, shame, disappointment and painful agony because I knew how it is to love and be loved. If I sum it all up – I was happy and fulfilled. All of them formed an integral part of who I am at the moment.

To all these men whom I have loved before, Thank You. Thank you for loving me and showing me the many facets of love. You have all loved me differently and beautifully. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

On this month of love, I am writing this to all men and women alike. What is life without love? How can you call it a life well lived when you didn’t give your heart a chance to bleed and be healed? Love is never loved until you have experienced it. Live life by loving passionately, endlessly and faithfully.

I am just dying with excitement to meet the man whom I will love perfectly with my imperfections. Do I make sense? Who cares… I’m in love with LOVE!